Stalin, the master of douchebaggery, takes center stage.

Hey...one quick word before we begin...

This is a tragic story, filled with unspeakable actions.  And, worse, there are no happy endings.  Not even for the victorious...  What I find most objectionable about Lenin, Shabby, and Scooby, is their complete lack of either hubris or compassion.  

My treatment of these Bolshevik dickheads, is both irreverent and sarcastic.  I want you to know that I am appalled by the mass murders of this regime.  So, read the following with an open mind, and compassion, OK?

So, out with Nicholas, and in with Lenin.  Wait.  What?  How did the F&*k did that happen? Let's try these things: World War One, a stupid king, and a shitload of Russian men and women who were tired of living in the fourteenth century.

Now, back to our coup. Various calamities, created a perfect storm of events that (after more death and carnage), ended with the Bolshevik Communists taking control of the government.  Lenin, returned from exile in Germany (where he lived quite comfortably).  He was determined on total control, and would not be sharing  power with anybody, anytime soon.  As other groups vying for power fell away, Lenin and his band of merry men took the reins, quickly turning the country away from democracy, towards a dictatorship.  If you ever find yourself in the middle of a dictatorship, run.  To me, these events would have scared me into going over the rainbow after the first day.

In spite of all this murder, Stalin portrayed himself to the West, as a strict, but genial parent. Eww.  I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Sorry Erroll.  the Bolsheviks didn't invite just anyone to join their cast of idiots.  Only proven psychopaths had the qualifications to be First Assbole (ie leader of the Bolsheviks)

It was inevitable, perhaps, that Lenin immediately ordered the death of perceived political enemies.  I mean, this gentleman would have accused his parents, OK?  Unfortunately for Nicholas and Alexandra, and their children, this meant their execution.  Sigh.  So, how many innocent people did Vlad order to be butchered? Well, conservative estimates are as follows:  500,000 political 'enemies' sentenced to death, followed by immediate execution (uh, there really wasn't anything like a stay of execution for the Soviet State).  This was accompanied by sending about 70,000 poor bastards to work camps (yeah, and they were mostly located in warm, friendly Siberia). Finally, he ordered the deliberate starvation of any people (read peasants) who had supported royalist forces in the civil war.  This murdered at least three million people.  And, these are conservative numbers.

Indeed.

Any way you slice it, the Bolsheviks were dicks, and the Russian people ended up with few or no civil rights--rather similar to their status under the Czarist regimes.  In Russia, life was always cheap.

I wish that I could write about how the Bolsheviks were a gang of idealistic revolutionaries, but then is a revolutionary ever idealistic? Reign of Terror anyone? 

But, revolution isn't new.  Our country started in the fire of war.  France (cough) followed suit.  Why not Russia (gag)?  After all, as Thomas Jefferson said:7

     What country can preserve ve it’s liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time.at their people preserve the spirit of resistance and then take to arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon and pacify them.  what does it signify that a few lives arel ost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must st be ready refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is natural manure.

Cough.  hack.  Gag. What a dick.

  

Ole Tommy baby wrote that in a letter to William Stephens Smith in 1787, who was also John Adams' son in law.  Who says that history is devoid of ironic humor?

I know what you're thinking--I clearly have a few problems with our third president.  Guilty as charged.  I just cannot stand hypocrisy, and Thomas virtually embodies its' definition.  Just ask Sally Hemmings.

We should also check with the unfortunate (and let's face it, slightly vacuous) queen, Marie Antoinette:

Marie, sans tete.

It was inevitable that Vlad the Impaler--oh shit, I meant Vladimir Lenin, would die, even at 54. Three strokes and he croaked.  But, the burning question was, which guy would succeed him. Stalin? Trotsky?  Ultimately, the commie scumbags decided that Stalin was the better bet.  Good job guys!!  Trotsky went into exile, ending up in Mexico. It’s damned lucky he did, otherwise…well, you know:  bang bang bang. Eventually, the poor guy was shot anyway.  

As I write this entry, I am struck by the fact that later, the most powerful or eccentric sociopaths were in control of Russia, and were as murderous as Stalin. How very very sad.  Seriously.

So.  Uncle Joe takes power, and immediately begins a series of purges and modernization.  OK. The purges.  Ye Gods, where in hell do I start?  There are hundreds (thousands?) to choose from.

What we know, is that beginning when he first took office, Stalin scoured out the original leadership, by arresting them as ‘enemies of the state’.  Later, in the thirties, he put on a series of “trials”, where each man faced the death penalty, or permanent exile (ie prison in that scenic, tropical paradise, everyone’s favorite vacation spot, Siberia).

Then, Stalin turned his attention to so called undesirables in the cities (mainly).  These were people caught without papers, innocents caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, and still others whom Stalin didn’t want around.  These tragic victims eventually became the forgotten.

But, things are beginning to come to light, papers that provide a clearer picture of what happened in the Nazi state.  But things change, and wikileaks provides us with Lots of grist for the historian's mill.

Now, we return to our regularly scheduled show:  

Let's go back once again to the early 1930s, when Stalin ordered the purges of fellow party members. What to do, what to do.  Many of these victims, who had been deported ended up in places not able to sustain life.  Exiles were left without rations,  clothes, housing, or anything else that would have helped them survive (mind is currently out of profanity...check back later).

What we have now, in light of the documents slowly emerging from the Moscow insane asylum, are rare glimpses into the evil world of the Bolsheviks.

One horrific example of this period occurred near Nazino, Siberia.  It was 1933.  There is an island on the river Ob, where approximately 6700 victims were sent.  No housing.  No food,  No support of any kind.

Same diabolical drill.

Welcome to the Soviet state.

 But, it’s imperative that we keep faith with the victims of such regimes, by telling their story, isn't it?

We were speaking about Nazino.  The political prisoners who were sent there, were not allowed to stay near any village.  No.  The local commissar ordered them sent to a deserted island, without sustainables.  Basically, they were dumped there like forgotten, broken toys .

On the small island, scenes from the Donner Party took place.  Yeah, you guessed it—cannibalism.  Oh my god,  the ghastly horror that happened next:  there were ‘gangs’ who took over and decimated those not equipped to protect themselves.  Then, the victorious were demonic in their actions.  I am wincing right now.  Very quickly, things became even worse as starvation claimed the lives of the imprisoned.  Very few knew what was happening.  But, some outsiders said they had seen bodies hanging from trees, with breasts (and genitalia) removed, along with slices from the calf, etc.  other bodies were found with livers and lungs cut out.

I suppose that Stalin just didn’t care.  These beings were expendable.  Unnecessary .  I’ll tell you what:  f$&k Stalin and the horse he rode in on.  We’ll remember them, won’t we?  Again, we must  We have to, or it’s gonna happen again.

By the time Stalin cleared out the garage, and you'd think the asshole would feel more secure.  Was he?  He should have felt omnipotent.  I mean, there was virtually no one left! When all is said and done, Stalin murdered or consigned to hell millions of his innocent countrymen.  

OK. Why? What had these poor non-military people done? .  I guess they got in the way of his f&&!king five year plan.  And yet we still ask, why were these individuals targeted? For no reason other than the fact that they were an obstacle for Stalin's goal.

And, at long last we come to the quotas.  The Grand High Poo Bah (read f&$ing Stalin), ordained that each official of a certain rank, had to prove he had arrested, and deported x number of people from the cities.  Mainly Moscow and St Petersburg.  If said commissar didn't, then he found himself in a precarious situation, I.e. d e a d.  How very … well, Hitlarian.

But, ole Ironpants Joe wasn’t done.  Oh no.  Not our boy. He began a series of “five year plans” in which he intended to industrialize, by force, the entire country and its’ populace.  In other words, Stalin dragged Russia by the hair, into the present.  But, as you might imagine, this was a lengthy process.  

Like, decades. 

At the end of the day, I guess you could say, that Stalin was responsible for the emergence of modern Russia,  I guess he was super successful in creating a cult of personality, where people thought of him as a father figure.  Donnez moi une break.

 And, Stalin proved to be a strong ally in WW2 (once he allowed the generals to do their jobs, and not do asinine maneuvers on the battlefield, that resulted in the death of thousands of his soldiers.)   he ended up working fairly well with the very different leaders, Winston Churchill and FDR.  So, after a series of disastrous losses, Stalin and his troops began to ever-so-slowly beat the Germans, back. You can imagine how pissed off the Russian was by 1942.

The tale of German atrocities, once they made it into eastern Europe, and Russia, is a story for another post. Suffice it to say that the Germans -- particularly, a group  of dickheads known as the Einsatzgruppen (you’ll have to excuse me if I misspell that),began committing a series of atrocities.  On the menu, for these German schmucks, amounted to just about anyone who wasn't of their omnipotent race (vomit).  You might imagine, that the Cossacks were a little miffy at the ways in which their fellowmen were treated by the Germans. But, all of this butchery would lessen, when the time turned inexorable the Germans invaded Russian into winter. 

Hey.  Ever live through a Russian winter? I haven't either.  And, I'm not gonna experience it.  I don't wanna die.

I cannot describe the severity of a Russian winter. It's always referred to as colder than a witches' tit in November (kidding). The winter turned out to be the best defense Russia had.  All living things were casualties--especially for Hitler's puddin' heads.  In the end, horses had to haul German guns and other things.

I feel the sorriest for the horses.  Jeez.  Remember that the horses had no buffer from the cold, not even a northface jacket.

I guess Stalin was glad of the German losses, but they kept coming doggedly closer to Moscow.

In another universe (commonly known as Hitler's fantasy land) Hitler realized too late that his army was overextended.  Shit.  How in Zeus‘s name did Hitler ever think that he could fight a two front war? And, once the United States was involved, after Pearl Harbor, did the dude rethink his strategy? Gee, let's guess.  NO.  Honestly, if I had been a German soldier, serving on the Russian front, I would’ve been plotting against Hitler’s  bony-assed life. You can call me a bloodthirsty Bessie, its' OK. Violence, begets violence, right?  Well, I think you know what happened…Operation Barbarossa tanked .  I’m sure you will forgive me the allusion . It makes me sad and mad to think of all the soldiers, both German and Russian, who died as a result of poor strategy, and boundless ambition.

It was at the battle of Stalingrad, that the Germans were finally halted in their fateful campaign. Again, I just go back to the point I raised earlier, about the lesson of Napoleon. It just boggles my mind how the German generals did not refuse to participate in this doomed expedition. I’ve got to say that one of the reasons why the battle of Stalingrad turned in favor of the Russians were there widespread use of snipers in the defense of that city.

A lot of German soldiers were taken prisoner after that battle was won by the Russians. I have a lot of sympathy for those poor German bastards under Russian control.  Suffice it to say, that Russians weren't exactly known for the humane treatment and housing of their prisoners. After Stalingrad, the Russian army moved forward, finally making their way through Eastern Europe into Germany proper.

Now, please do me a favor, and don’t forget the millions who died at the hands of their communist brethren. Throughout the 1930s, and 1940s, Stalin was responsible for engineering the starvation of thousands (uh...millions) of his fellow countrymen.  Just ask anyone in the Ukraine. The estimate of the dead are anywhere from 20,000,000 to 30,000,000. but, will never know the exact numbers. It is thought today by historians, that Stalin was responsible, therefore for more deaths than Hitler’s regime. Now that’s saying some thing.

With the advance of the Russian army, coupled with the advance of the other Allied powers into Germany, World War II was practically over--at least in the European theater.. However, it took some time for the conflict to resolve itself. Remember Japan? You would think that with the death of Hitler, all alone in his ultra specially designed-for-a-maniac bunker he'd feel alright.  But no.  He also refused to leave said bunker in Berlin  Rather than face a truly pissed off allied army, Hitler swallowed a cynaide pill before putting a gun to his evil f&%king head, and going bang.  His main squeeze Eva Braun too.   All you have to do is look at the bombed out German cities Dash the skeleton of buildings and millions of homeless German people to know that the recovery from this dreadful war would not be in months or in years but in decades.

So, what did Stalin do? Well, the bastard wouldn’t give up any of his new building blocks (by that I mean Eastern Europe). He said over, and over that he would not have Russia invaded, ever again. And by all means Batman, I will ensure that the motherland remains intact.

After the war, Stalin soon found himself, battling another formidable foe: old age. He found he had finally reached a point where he could not function any longer as the supreme penis of the Soviet state. He retreated to his dacha (think vacation house), and spent more and more time isolating himself from the leadership. But, he did not relinquish control of the state. He was absent, and no one dared nudge him toward retirement. 

Stalin then found that his iron heart was finally shutting down. Did he actually have a heart? One afternoon, Stalin‘s aids found his door locked.  They didn’t dare disturb him--probably valuing their lives, poor darlings, but he’d been alone in there for a really really long time. Debating whether or not to knock on the door, they were still paralyzed when a cleaning woman came in, sized up the situation, and opened the door. 

They found Stalin there on the floor lying in his own urine. How very fitting. Let us take a moment to appreciate that.  Clearly he had suffered either a heart attack or a stroke . The old boy was going to hang on for a little bit longer, but he was virtually comatose. And then he died. And that was that.

Uh, not quite.

The funeral, of course, was a national event.  And obscene .  The Kremlin dickheads laid him in state. The people cried.  Wailed.  I mean, like ripping their hair out, and rending their garments.  Uh, what for? You’d think they would be celebrating. Nope.  Meanwhile,  in our last episode of “who’s dying now” (ie the kremlin boys), many would-be psychopaths were jockeying for Stalin’s place. So, which contestant was going to win the prize, and take over for Satan?  

That's another story.

Tune in next time...same bat-time, same bat-channel....